Christmas and Beyond.

I feel like the Christmas spirit is dead.

Is it my age?

Or is it a sign of the times?

I don’t know!  I feel like there is no joy without a family.  There are no stockings to be stuffed.  No food to turmoil over making for dinner.  No advent calendars.  No light up manjor with little figurines to set up.  No tree, even!  Not even a string of tinsel or a scrap of garland.

When I go shopping, it’s all old.  There are no new products that I have my eye on to buy.  Remember the Tickle-Me-Elmo craze?  Where’s the T.-M.-E. of our generation?

I seem to have it all.  Every piece of technology ever invented, clothes, books, purses, accessories, EVERYTHING, I’ve got it.  I suppose I should be asking for things that are important for survival — food, money, kitchen devices — but nothing for pleasure.

I don’t know.  I feel like when I was younger, the joy of seeing Santa Claus at the mall was the highlight of the post-Thanksgiving shopping hysteria — Black Friday, Returns Saturday (ha), Santa, mad crowds, delicious foods, preparations, decorating the tree . . . now it’s a “work full time” schedule, all the way until Christmas Eve, and then expect to be prepared and ready for Christmas.  It doesn’t work.

I always remember my parents being very lackadasical about Christmas, while I was always completely excited.  Then again, my parents are different than most.  Now, I feel like I am the parent, the old timer, not too enthused about the holiday.  But is it my age or just my environment?  Would I be more excited if I was in a family environment again, rather than a “party until you drop” college environment?

But as a completely neutral party, I feel like the entire WORLD is less enthusiastic about the holidays — less decorations, less Santas, less goodies, less cheer (give me Christmas Eve OFF without a fight, for God’s sake, it’s THE HOLIDAYS), more economy worries, more jobless Americans, more shit, in general.  Again, this could be a product of my environment, because Philadelphia is littered with poor, angry folk, while my hometown is usually white, suburban middle class types (who are comfortable in their living arrangements and can afford a good holiday).

I don’t know.  Christmas is tomorrow.  When did it get so close?  I don’t even remember choosing that I would spend the holiday with my boyfriend and his family.  It was pretty sudden (in my mind), for it’s a ludacris idea (for me, at least) to spend CHRISTMAS with another family (all the traditions!  Will I ruin them?).  Alas, I am on my way to Maryland now, and I’m feeling weird.  Will it all be OK?  Will I be welcome?  Hopefully Christmas won’t be too depressing, and I will accept that I am a welcome new member of my boyfriend’s family, and I am not an infiltrater.

Sitting in the car, gorging myself on pizza (oh, such a festive holiday treat), and feeling antsy for eating so much, I wonder if I am starting to really reach adulthood.  I sometimes act like a child, with fits of depression, anger, worry, anxiety, et cetera, but I suppose that since I am getting older, I should surpass this.  Older people get MATURE depression and CRY ALONE instead of open and about “being fat.”  I’m stuck as a 14 year old, with pubescent problems that should be far behind me.  I’m still a child.  When will I grow up past this?  Realize what is important in life?  When will I get away from anti-depressants that just make it worse, restrictive dieting, constant worrying . . . ?

Maybe I’ve hardly enjoyed this “holiday season” because I am working full time/have these problems — maybe I’m lacking the family environment — maybe I’m getting old — maybe the economy and the current state of the world is to blame.  Merry Christmas.  Whatever.